Finding Self – 1

Desparate, confused, vulnerable, fragile, scared or lonely?

All of the above.

Dwellers in the world of narssistic abuse, feel all of the above almost all the time. There is never just one that they can shake off and move along. There is one after the another, ripping off every chip of confidence and selfesteem they may have.

The feelings are blended so well and merged into one from the other , it is impossible to tell what is what. The victims have not known their real self for so long, they don’t recognize themselves anymore. The mirror disgusts them. They try to hold onto every subtle hint of care or attention which affirms their crippling identity.

On a summer day of 2019, I met myself after years. It was long painful journey of almost two plus years to finally come face to face with myself. Although, it was just a glimpse. It was well worth it, because once I saw her in full glory, it wasn’t even an option to know anybody else.

It was a journey that included many long early morning walks, especially after sleepless nights, singing songs of longing while hiding in closets or laundry rooms, throwing paint on paper and let it drip in all possible directions, dancing to the tunes of well woven moments while ghunghroos tied to my feet.

And then she showed up one day, finally. I could not believe my fortune of coming alive, once again. I called my sister, and we cried for many silent moments. She heard every unspoken word, she saw right through. She sighed of relief, she had lost hope as she had silently witnessed me turning into my own ghost slowly, gently and quietly.

But the window shut right back down. The crippling fear that mind has been trained for, remained there. The wound was too deep to heal with one magic vision. But now, I knew. I knew, it exists. I knew, a life of freedom and truth is right within my reach. It is possible. So the journey began.

One cliff and one train track at a time. One ‘standing up’, one ‘no’, and one courageous act at a time. Emotions went for a complete toss for months and continues to be so, sometimes soothing the fear while raging with anger in another, laughing joyously with the thought of freedom, while crying and screaming with sense of guilt and doubt. These flips happen almost within moments and then goes right back.

Nothing around me ever stopped, in fact it spun even faster. At every moment of courage, I found my authentic self. Who is pure, giving, loving and honest. Who knows no games, who knows no manipulations, who only knows to trust and now tirelessly works to not get hurt.

While I continue to hide in my shell to shield my broken self now and then, while I paint, write and sometimes just brainlessly drink to cope with the twist and turns of my mind, I desparately hope for that light to shine back in my life.