A Child, Every Child

CSA

Yeah, this is the abbreviation I heard from a dear friend. She used it as she finally chose to come out about her traumatic childhood. I wish the revelation lifted a  weight off her chest. Though I wondered, if she has finally been relieved? If so, why cudnt she just say child sexual abuse instead? 

Is there still a tiny strain of shame hiding someplace in those deep labyrinth of mind? Who knows, there might..after all it was a child’s tender developing mind. A tender child’s body, a hopeful, innocent child’s heart wanting to leap jump and grow. For many, that doesn’t last much long. Until an adult or that trusted youth, mostly family chooses to make that child its prey. Using manipulation, emotional blackmailing or sheer physical force, dents the underdeveloped psych forever. 

That traumatic incident that takes place in dark rooms,lit up hallways, on fluffy pillows, in a room full of people, or behind car seats are not even a fraction of real trauma. Those moments are just a turning point when the world suddenly becomes very unsafe. As the child recovers, they try to find another trusted adult to ask if the world is really so unsafe? The next trusted adult, mostly a mother, reestablishes the fear and also adds a hint of shame by hushing the child. Just a few more hours later the child is now carrying the physical trauma added with fear, shame, and loss of trust in anybody. The confusion gets worse as the culprit walks around without any consequences and gives a squirm at every chance.

The cycle of abuse starts spinning. The abuse now becomes a ‘shared secret’ which only the victim and abuser are aware of. If the abuser is smart, they make the victim believe it was somewhat their fault and this is a bond rather than abuse. The child with her/his shattered trust and scarred soul, ends up finding solace in this bond. 

The unshed tears remain unshed until many years later, the child …now an adult spreads herself on the mat, in some awkward yoga pose. 

With an inhale, a sharp pain shoots through and brings her back to that moment years ago. She chokes and shivers not able to let go of this breath. Several moments later which feels like eternity, she finally does. With that exhale, something feels crumbling underneath. She gathers herself sniffling..runs through the parking lot to find her car. Next several hours are spent crying, screaming and yelling alone.

Yes, the trauma lingers far, deep and  long. 

CSA – Child Sexual Abuse, that is.